a young piano player moves to NYC, as young piano players do. soon after his
arrival, he hits the streets in search of a gig. many blocks later, he sees
a club owner unlocking the doors to his nightclub. our young pianist
approaches him and asks if he might be looking for any players.
"as a matter of fact, i am. my regular piano player up and left on me last
night. why'nt you come on in and lemme see whatcha got."
so they go into the club, the pianist takes off his coat and sits down at
the piano. "don't be shy now" says the club owner, "lemme hear the best
stuff ya got." the kid nods and begins to play. what follows is some of the
most beautiful, inspired piano ever played, heartbreaking melodies over
absolutely gorgeous harmony, all with the most sublime swing. the club owner
is shaking his head in disbelief. "Jesus Christ kid! that was fantastic. is
that one of yours?"
the kid nods shyly.
"what do you call that one, kid?"
"um, well, that one is called 'I wanna grab you by the ears and #### you in
the mouth'".
laughing heartily, the club owner says "hooooo boy kid, that's some title
there. well, what else ya got? play me another one."
so the kid sits down at the piano again, and what follows is so unbelievably
brilliant, it makes the first song sound like 'chopsticks'.
by this time, some of the bartenders and waitresses have come in, and they
are all standing transfixed, staring at the young stranger at their piano.
when he finishes, they erupt into applause. surprised, the kid breaks into a
smile as he looks around the room.
the club owner is beside himself.
"HOLY MOTHER! kid, you realize i been running this club for forty years now,
i've had Ahmad Jamal, Bill Evans and McCoy Tyner sit at that piano, and i
never heard nothing as good as what you just played? i don't give out
compliments much y'know, ya gotta play it cool in the city, but goddamn that
was some beautiful piano. whaddya call that one?"
"um...well...that one i call 'i wanna grab you by the tits and #### you in
the ass'"
"KIIIIIIIIIIIIID!!!!!! what's with these titles?" says the club owner,
wiping tears of laughter from his eyes. before the kid can answer, he says
"never mind, you got the gig, but i'm tryin' to run a classy joint here, so
i ask you to keep the titles to yerself. your first set is at 10. dress
nice."
so, by 10 o'clock, word has spread about the mysterious new phenom, the
place is packed and there's a line around the block. the pianist plays a
spellbindingly brilliant first set, to the rapt attention of the crowd. at
the end of the set, he thanks the crowd and says he'll be back for another
set in just a few minutes. the crowd gives him a standing ovation when he
gets up from the piano.
he goes into the bathroom to pee, and when he emerges, a VERY attractive
woman approaches him.
"hi" she says. "that was the most inspired playing i've ever heard in my
life. you really touched my heart."
blushing slightly, he says "thank you. i'm glad you enjoyed it"
smiling nervously, the woman says "um, i'm not quite sure how to say this,
but do you know your fly is open and your dick is hanging out?"
to which our hero responds:
"know it?!? lady....I WROTE IT!"