life

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LiuvarAldaron

LiuvarAldaron

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hey ihr Lieben,
ich würd mich über Kritik und wenn nötig über Verbesserungen (Grammatik, Rechtschreibung..) sehr freuen. Also bitte keine Zurückhaltung^^
lg


Life

You wake up every morning
to finding your-self alone again.
We are not made to live in loneliness
but it is anyway necessary to learn
living on your own..

Life is the most importante duty:
To find your right way in this net of malignity
caused by the pain of men.
There is pain in everyones life
and unfortunately it often disposes men doing iniquitous things.

Without cold there would be no warmth
without shadow no color
without death no life
without pain no felicity
life is a never ending path.

Fist of all it is neccessairy
to succed in living on your own.
To accept and to like your-self with all your lapses,
flaws, vices and emotions.
For it's our kind to be not perfect.

Life isn't a burden to take
Life is the most sacred thing which is made us for present.
We are honoured to discover earth,
to discover our-selfes, our feelings and our wishes.
We have dreams, ambitions, a life which needs to be lived.

One life which needs to be lived in accordance with our world.
 
hi LiuvarAldaron

Vielen Dank für den Text! (immer schön freundlich sein hier...)


1. Blick: schön gegliedert 5 Fünfzeiler mit einem abschliessenden Statement.


2. Blick: 2. wichtigste Thematik für Songs? (nach "Love")


3. Blick: reimt sich nicht (egal)


4. Blick: schöne Gegensatzpaare (der ewige Kampf zwischen Gut und Schlecht?)

Without cold there would be no warmth

without shadow no color

without death no life

without pain no felicity

life is a never ending path.


5. Blick: das kling schön :)

Life is the most sacred thing which is made us for present.

We are honoured to discover earth,

to discover our-selfes, our feelings and our wishes.

We have dreams, ambitions, a life which needs to be lived.


6. Blick: groovt etwas holprig beim lesen? sing es mal!


7. Blick: Wird das ein Reagge-Song? Bin gespannt zu hören....


Blick aufs Englische, bin ich nicht der Richtige für...


Greez

Soleluna
 
Na gut, also keine Zurückhaltung: Der Text klingt für mich insgesamt ausgesprochen holprig und zum Teil aus dem Wörterbuch zusammengebaut. Ich kann mir auch nicht recht vorstellen, wie dieser Text gesungen klingen könnte.

Eine ganz ausführliche Kritik ist mir ein wenig zu aufwendig (aber es werden sich ja noch andere dazu äußern). Hier aber schon mal ein paar Kleinigkeiten.

Und: Nix für ungut :).


Life

You wake up every morning
to finding your-self alone again.
=> to find yourself alone again.

We are not made to live in loneliness
but it is anyway necessary to learn
=> Satzbau, Stellung von "anyway"

living on your own.
=> to live on your own.

Life is the most importante duty:
=> Life is the most important duty:

To find your right way in this net of malignity
=> To find your way in this net of malignity

caused by the pain of men.
=> men = Männer. Wenn Du "die Menschen" meinst, dann "man"

There is pain in everyones life
=> There is pain in everyone's life oder besser "lives"

and unfortunately it often disposes men doing iniquitous things.
=>Satzbau: "disposes ... doing" - Aussage: unklar

Without cold there would be no warmth
without shadow no color [ohne Schatten keine Farbe? Ist das so?]
without death no life
without pain no felicity
life is a never ending path. => never-ending

Fist of all it is neccessairy
=> First ... necessary, aber die ganze Satzkonstruktion wirkt recht "kantig"

to succed in living on your own.
=> to succeed in living on your own.

To accept and to like your-self with all your lapses,
=> To accept and (to) like yourself with all your lapses,

flaws, vices and emotions.
For it's our kind to be not perfect.
=> For it's not our kind to be perfect (besser "For we're not made to be perfect)

Life isn't a burden to take
=> Life is no burden

Life is the most sacred thing which is made us for present.
=> "which is made us for present": Satzbau und Aussage unklar

We are honoured to discover earth,
=> Satzbau und Aussage unklar

to discover our-selfes, our feelings and our wishes.
=> to discover ourselves, our feelings and wishes.

We have dreams, ambitions, a life which needs to be lived.
One life which needs to be lived in accordance with our world.
 

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